As parents, we know that negative reinforcement (punishments, calling attention to negative behavior, etc) works...but do we want most of our interactions with our children to be negative all day, or do we want to have a positive tone to our discipline? Here are a few tips on how to implement positive reinforcement with your kids.
Change Your Child's Behavior With Positive Reinforcement
Think about your interactions with your children today. How
many things did you notice they did wrong? What did you do or
say to them because of their wrong doings? Have they engaged in
the same kind of behavior before? What did you do or say the
times before? Is it working? How many things did you notice
your children did right today? If you did take the time to
notice, what did you do or say to them? Did you praise or
reward them in some way? If so, then read no further and keep
up the good work. If you could use a little work on doing this,
then read on.
Let's face it. We parents often neglect to notice the positive
things our children do. Rather, we tend to focus on our
children's negative behaviors, because they either annoy us or
otherwise make our lives difficult. Have you ever heard the
phrase, "that which gets noticed gets repeated?" If all we ever
notice is the negative things our children do, then why would
they do anything different? It is as if we program our children
to believe "if I'm only noticed when I do something wrong, then
so be it."
It is just as important, if not more, to notice our children's
positive behaviors. Remember most behaviors are controlled by
their consequences. Some may believe rewarding kids for
positive behavior is bribery. We all receive rewards daily for
doing things well, at work, at home, and at play. These rewards
often motivate us to continue the behaviors for which they were
received. Where parents use rewards ineffectively is when they
give a positive consequence to stop an inappropriate behavior.
For example, "I'll give you a cookie if you stop whining." This
only encourages the inappropriate behavior. Where as rewarding
kids for their positive behaviors is quite the opposite and
much more productive.
Using positive reinforcement to strengthen a desired behavior
is easy. Just watch and wait for the behavior to occur then
reinforce it with praise, a pat on the back or a special
privilege. It may go something like this, "David, I really
appreciate how you came in the house when I asked and you even
did it without a big hassle. You should feel good about being
able to do that." How about, "Wow Jamie, your bedroom looks
awesome. You must have worked really hard on it. I bet you
worked up a healthy appetite. Why don't you decide what we have
for lunch today."
Focusing on your children's positive behaviors could be the
most productive parenting change you make if you don't already
do it. Chances are you have been trained like the rest of us to
only call attention to the bad things your kids do. This
phenomenon isn't found solely in the parent/child relationship.
It is also prevalent in spousal, sibling and employee/employer
relationships. When was the last time your boss called you into
his office and asked you to shut the door? Was it because he
just wanted to tell you what a wonderful job you are doing and
how valuable of an employee you are? If so, lucky you. More
than likely, it was because he wanted to talk to you about
something he thought you could do better or you were doing
something wrong. People tend to take positive behavior for
granted and punish negative behaviors.
Some parents find it helpful to make a note and put it where
they can see it often. The note might read, "notice the
positive" or "catch'em doing good." You may also want to
consider using a jar of consequences, a parenting tool that
parents can use to help them focus on and reinforce the
positive behaviors their children exhibit.
Catch your kids being good. It could have a profound affect on
the atmosphere in your home. Whatever it takes I assure you it
will be worth it.
About The Author: Destry Maycock, MSW has had over eleven years
experience working with children and families as a professional
social worker. Destry has helped hundreds of parents solve a
variety of parenting challenges and strengthen their
relationships with their children. Destry enjoys developing
tools that help parents with the difficult but rewarding duty
of raising children. His most recent creations can be found at http://www.parentingstore.com
