Coaching your kids

We usually don't see ourselves as coaches, but how would our relationships with our kids improve if we employed successful coaching methods instead of nagging and punishment?

Coaching vs. Controlling your Kids - What's the Difference?
by Nicole MacKenzie

Before we get into the discussion, lets look quickly at what the dictionary says so you can get a sense of the difference:

Control = regulate, restrain, rule, have power over

Coach = train intensively, as by instruction and demonstration

Now ask yourself... if you were on the receiving end, which would you rather be? Coached or controlled? No surprise here, it's just human nature. Nobody likes being controlled. They naturally resist and rebel. But human beings (especially children) love to learn new things and master new skills, so instructing someone produces very different results!

LOOKING MORE AT CONTROLLING...

Controlling has a sense of judgment within it. It has a flavor to it that implies the other person is not capable of doing it on their own.

Controlling is telling someone what you want or don't want, but not giving precise instructions on what that is, or showing him or her what you want. There is no real learning taking place. Controlling is disempowering and no fun on either end - for the person doing the controlling or the one being controlled.

Controlling is most often ineffective since your kids will have a tendency to tune you out and ignore you. It's also a big time and energy drain - you're constantly being the "police". And if the kids don't behave as you want, you usually get even MORE emotionally engaged. Now you're not just controlling, you are also mad.

When controlling, you know what's right and you want to impose that on the child without giving them room to make mistakes. There is no room for the kids to experiment with the instructions and learn from their mistakes.

Controlling never brings out the best in a child. And by it's nature it is an invitation for a struggle - a big juicy power struggle! Surprisingly, controlling really has nothing to do with true discipline.

Here are some examples...

You're in the grocery store and see a mom with her small child. She's constantly after him: "Stop that! Don't touch that! Put that back! You are so naughty!" And here's a classic: "Stop whining at me! I hate it when you use that voice!"

You can see that there are no real instructions for what the parent does want in terms of behavior. Instead, there is just a constant stream of scolding, criticism and nagging. These are all controlling because there is no system of discipline being used. And without a system, it's very easy to fall into the habit of controlling - or more accurately, attempting to control - your kids!

LOOKING MORE AT COACHING...

A good coach sees what a child is capable of doing and what his talents are. The coach uses discipline to bring those talents forward and to improve and enhance those talents. Coaching brings out the brilliance in kids.

A good coach knows that kids naturally love to perform well and love to please. Coaching is giving very clear and precise instructions on HOW that can done - showing the kids by example what is wanted.

Coaches expect mistakes and even welcome them. They don't expect the kids to be perfect and they don't even want the kids to be perfect. For real learning, the kids must be able to fall down, fail and make their own way.

Coaching preserves and nurtures kids natural wonder, the curiosity, the need for adventure, experimenting and trying out completely new ways of doing things.

So now the obvious question becomes, how as a parent, do you ensure that what you are doing is coaching and not controlling?

THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT ELEMENTS:

1) Clear instructions on what you DO want.
2) A system of discipline which includes clear boundaries (but with some freedom) and consequences, agreed upon in advance.

Let's go back to those examples...

Now let's say mom gives her child very clear instructions on what the "whiny voice" is that she doesn't like, and has also given an example of the voice she does want. The child practices the various voices and mom gives feedback so the child knows exactly what is expected. Mom then makes a rule about not using the whiny voice, and an appropriate consequence is set. (The consequence can even be something fun and simple like do 5 jumping jacks.)

From then on if the child uses the whiny voice, mom can say, "Try that again in your awesome voice." Since the child has practiced the awesome voice before with mom, he knows exactly what is expected. He is either going to switch to the voice mom wants or do his consequence. After the consequence, the child tries again to ask in the awesome voice.

Now you are simply holding the child accountable to what was agreed upon in advance. It is much easier to stay emotionally unengaged. You are now applying true coaching.

And for the mom in the grocery store... Before going shopping she sets the rules. "When we go through the store you have to stay walking next to me all the time or you can ride in the cart. You can't touch anything without asking me first and you can't ask to get any candy. If you do, the consequence will be a time-out right there and then." Now, with clear boundaries, the child knows exactly what is expected. This relieves the stress and pressure of control so both mom and child can now have a much greater chance of having a pleasant shopping experience!

FREEDOM WITHIN BOUNDARIES

This may seem like a strange dichotomy, but it is essential. When you create the boundaries for your child be sure to leave some room for mistakes! You will get much better results that way. If you over-prescribe every nit-picky thing, rules get oppressive and rigid. Then the child can't even take a step on their own or try anything new. This crushes their spirit and innate intelligence because they can't satisfy their natural sense of wonder and adventure.

Kids need to explore and make mistakes since that's where so much learning occurs. Make the boundaries appropriate for their age, their safety and just what factors you honestly need in your environment to be happy. Then let them go. If mistakes happen within the larger boundaries you most likely don't need to do anything. There'll probably be natural consequences that takes care of it. But if they go overboard and step outside the boundaries, you must hold them accountable and apply the agreed upon consequence.

Nicole Mackenzie's simple, yet proven Responsive Parenting Method shows parents how to raise more responsible and happier kids using non-judgmental awareness, curiosity and discipline without punishment - plus have fun in the process! Nicole is an author and mother of 6 children. She has been a facilitator, speaker, coach and trainer for 16 years.